Okay, this is going to be an all-Bruce Jenner e-mail. All Bruce Jenner, all the time.
Well, that's interesting, that Bruce Jenner is married to Kim Kardashian. Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian? Anyway, it's Bruce Jenner, the pretty-boy track and field athlete who rode the crest of that wave of fame and glory to even further heights, to become a spokesman for Wheaties? I had no idea he was still a functioning celebrity, or even that he was still alive. So I go on Wikipedia and learn that the guy has been a very active celebrity indeed. I've got to give him his due, he never rolled over and quit, despite the fact that he's just a big dumb hunk of shit. He was in a couple of Hollywood movies, and both of them won the "Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture of the Year." Now that's hard to do. Since then he's done everything from Skating with Celebrities to serving as a guest judge on the Animal Planet show Pet Star. He's done all kinds of stunts, shows and gimmicks. He's lucky he was born at the right place and time. If he'd been born about twenty years earlier, his options would have been so much more limited.... maybe a semi-regular spot on Hollywood Squares, and .... what else was available for a celebrity of his caliber back then? I suppose he and Kim will remain together just so long as they figure they can milk more celebrity points and money as a team, then they'll cash in and get more celebrity credit when they get divorced.
Well, my dislike of Bruce Jenner -- which never existed before you tipped me off that he's still running around on the planet -- is all jealousy, of course. His track and field accomplishments are admirable, but everything else about him ticks me off. Wikipedia describes him as a "motivational speaker, socialite and television personality" and each of those things is a huge negative for me, and then you combine that with the fact that everyone was already swooning over him from the start because he was dealt golden boy handsome genes. So, I hate him. But I wish I could run into him some time, and have a little chat with him, one human to another. For all I know, maybe he's a likeable guy. But for now, I'm am consoled by my religious belief that there is a special, extra-hot circle of hell reserved for motivational speakers, socialites and television personalities.
Maybe what I'm really jealous of is that Bruce Jenner seems to have no sense of shame. Pretty much everything I read about him, all the stuff he is up to, would be prohibitively humiliating for me. Let's just pick one thing... say, appearing for five episodes as Officer Steve McLeish on CHiPS, when Erik Estrada (who I see is also a "star" of both reality TV shows and infomercials) was on strike for a better contract. So Jenner was essentially an unwanted picket line-crossing scab, on one of America's all time dumbest shows. This whole CHiPS thing alone would have been enough for me to go out and commit suicide, out of pure embarrassment, if I was Bruce Jenner. But, because he doesn't have any sense of personal shame, embarrassment or introspection, the guy just goes out and enjoys life. If a producer approached him with a pitch for a show called American Top Celebrities Smear Dog Feces On Their Faces, he'd probably say, "I'm in!" And he'd have fun with it, and be proud of it. And I'm sitting here, filled with bitterness and disdain.
I have had a bad headache all day, with nausea. I get these things about every couple of weeks. I think it's maybe a form of migraine headache, and I don't like it. I feel like Bruce Jenner is drilling a hole in my skull with his god damned little RC helicopter repair drill, next to my right eyebrow, and once he's done with that I'll hear him thumping about in his southern california mega-mansion, along with the high-pitched whine of the rotor blades. The only thing good about these headaches might be that maybe my doctor will prescribe me some kind of euphoria-inducing narcotic pain medication. If I had something like that to take when I got up this morning, this wouldn't have been such a bad day.
All of this Bruce Jenner talk reminds me of a comic by Robert Crumb, called "My Troubles With Women." Are you familiar with R. Crumb? A pretty brilliant cartoonist, as far as I'm concerned, mostly known for his alternative comics in the sixties. Anyway, this "My Troubles With Women" is hilarious and perceptive. I attached several images of it, at the point where he's reflecting on his utter failure with girls as a misfit high schooler. I definitely relate to it, and it all has something to do with my negative attitude toward Bruce Jenner.
I hope you have fun at John's birthday.
--edward
No comments:
Post a Comment