Nice picture of the big bird.... you said it was a vulture. We don't have vultures around here, just crows and ravens. The other day, I did see a pair of very big hawks soaring over a field where I walk our dog. A little songbird seemed to be trying to drive one of them off and it was interesting to watch this little bird repeatedly swooping at a predator that was about ten times its size.
Yeah, I sympathize with the guilt you're talking about. I get that too, usually from an inner voice that's saying something like, "Well, you sure made a damned fool of yourself." After a life interaction comes guilt -- actually, for me I'd call it shame -- and of course before there's often anxiety. You get hit both ways, coming and going. What gets me is that most people, the thick skinned doers of the world, don't feel any of this stuff. They just barrel along, thinking, "I'm doin' great!" I don't even think they have dreams at night, at least not dreams they remember. And the stuff you're feeling guilty about, they do stuff that's five times worse, but they're feeling just fine.
That Self Therapy book would say you've got this inner "part" -- like a little person inside you -- that is causing you to feel that guilt, and it would say you should make friends with it, and get to know it, and figure out why it's doing that. That's good advice, but I've also come up with another solution that is more satisfactory and fun. When I feel what you're talking about, let's say it's either shame or anxiety, I sometimes picture the being inside me that's causing me to feel that way. But then, instead of imagining myself being all nice to it, like some little boy trying to make friends with Uncle Steve, I imagine myself murdering it. In my imagination, I'm screaming, and hacking it to death, and blood is splashing everywhere, and it's very satisfying. It actually seems to work sometimes, too, the guilt or anxiety recedes. Then, when it returns the next time, I don't get all upset and think, "O darn, it didn't work." No, I treat it like one of the villains in an action movie. They always come back, too. "I knew you'd come back," I say, and I just go after it again, with a battle axe this time maybe, and very graphically chop it all up again. It's my imagination, after all. I can do whatever I want. I think you should try this. Seriously. As far as I'm concerned, whatever gets me though each day, it's all good... as long as it's not something that's obviously self destructive, like developing a heroin habit. I'm thinking I should write a self-help book. It would be titled, "Slaughtering Your Inner Demons."
Here's what I think -- there's a part of you that wants to shut you down for some reason. It wants you to end up barricaded inside your house, with aluminum foil over the windows, trying to keep you inside, and everything else outside. You could view it as a frightened part of yourself, probably some little kid version of you, or you could picture it as an enemy... as a kind of "demon." Or better yet, picture it one way one time, and another way another time. At any rate, whether this part of your is your friend or your enemy, you can't let it have its way, at least not before you're in a nursing home somewhere, at the mercy of high school drop-out aides... at that point, withdrawing into depression/isolation would actually probably be a reasonable response.
Yes, this is a nice time in Maine. It's a very green time. You can feel life bursting out everywhere. As opposed to April, when everything just feels dead. April in Maine is like being depressed at Christmas. You know you're supposed to be happy, it's supposedly spring, and that theoretically "life" is happening all around you. But you look around and everything still looks and feels empty and dead.
We hike once in awhile, but the problem where we live is that if we actually want to hike somewhere in the mountains, it's at least an hour and a half away. So we go on a lot of shorter walks, along the coast, in meadows, or in the woods, or whatever. We also go on bike rides sometimes. We have ocean kayaks, too, but I tend to drag my feet about going out in them, because to me it's a big hassle putting them on the car, driving to the ocean (it's only five minutes away), taking them off the car, etc. etc. I'm really lazy about stuff like that. A big lazy baby.
We should have lobster one of these days, now that you mention lobster. I see the nearby farm stand, which also sells live lobster, is selling lobster for $4.99 a pound, which is a pretty good price.
Yes, I'm planning on getting to your place in the evening of June 22. I'd be there for the 23rd and 24th, then have to leave on the morning of the 25th. I'm looking forward to it.
--edward
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